1
00:00:03,850 --> 00:00:04,850
Thank you.

2
00:00:46,320 --> 00:00:47,320
Oh, what a lovely audience.

3
00:00:48,080 --> 00:00:49,300
I just got back from Manchester.

4
00:00:49,500 --> 00:00:50,500
What a walk.

5
00:00:56,640 --> 00:00:58,280
Here's a quick impression. Look, quick
impression.

6
00:01:03,740 --> 00:01:05,019
Of an aeroplane that's lost.

7
00:01:42,520 --> 00:01:45,200
Did you hear that quick joke about the
short -sighted bank robber?

8
00:01:46,400 --> 00:01:47,880
He went to the bank and said, stick him
up.

9
00:01:48,270 --> 00:01:49,270
Are they up?

10
00:02:06,530 --> 00:02:07,530
Here's a little trick. Look.

11
00:02:08,850 --> 00:02:10,889
Six. I saw another magician do this.

12
00:02:12,290 --> 00:02:13,390
This is not my trick.

13
00:02:14,310 --> 00:02:16,050
Six, three, four, one.

14
00:02:19,370 --> 00:02:20,710
Four. One. Six.

15
00:03:09,349 --> 00:03:10,630
sympathetic part. Very sympathetic.

16
00:03:13,370 --> 00:03:15,410
It's funny. I've made my nose fix my
teeth on work.

17
00:03:17,950 --> 00:03:19,650
It's a very sympathetic part.

18
00:03:20,370 --> 00:03:21,730
I'll give you a rough idea what it is.

19
00:03:22,270 --> 00:03:24,510
The seat opens like that.

20
00:03:26,890 --> 00:03:28,550
It's a thatch cottage. It's all made of
thatch.

21
00:03:30,230 --> 00:03:31,530
And there's a lot of violins going.

22
00:03:33,030 --> 00:03:36,870
It'd be better now.

23
00:03:48,560 --> 00:03:51,300
And as the dear old lady sits in the
chair there, armchair there, dear old

24
00:03:51,400 --> 00:03:55,140
dear old man sits in the armchair there,
there's a baby in the cot and a dog on

25
00:03:55,140 --> 00:03:56,140
the mat.

26
00:03:56,500 --> 00:03:58,860
And I have this very sympathetic part.

27
00:03:59,900 --> 00:04:04,580
I creep in through the door, and I hit
the old man on top of the head.

28
00:04:07,300 --> 00:04:10,380
See, and he doesn't say much. He just
says, oh.

29
00:04:22,500 --> 00:04:23,900
Then I stab the lady in the back.

30
00:04:25,600 --> 00:04:26,600
She doesn't like it.

31
00:04:28,160 --> 00:04:29,260
She doesn't like it.

32
00:04:30,380 --> 00:04:32,620
Then I strangle the baby.

33
00:04:34,500 --> 00:04:36,340
Now, this is where the simulated part
comes in.

34
00:04:37,520 --> 00:04:38,780
On the way out, I pat the dog.

35
00:04:54,030 --> 00:04:56,330
I was walking down the street the other
day. I was looking over a little fence.

36
00:04:56,790 --> 00:04:58,730
And I saw a little chicken there. A
little chicken.

37
00:04:59,410 --> 00:05:00,450
A little roll -on in red.

38
00:05:02,090 --> 00:05:03,090
See?

39
00:05:04,750 --> 00:05:06,250
I looked at it. It didn't see me for a
minute.

40
00:05:08,210 --> 00:05:09,710
And he turned and looked at me like
that.

41
00:05:10,470 --> 00:05:11,470
He had a bit of a stiff neck.

42
00:05:22,700 --> 00:05:24,660
Please make her belong arrested for
using foul language.

43
00:05:32,740 --> 00:05:33,900
Don't get down, Thomas.

44
00:05:34,100 --> 00:05:35,660
Oh, thank you. Would you care for a cup
of tea?

45
00:05:35,900 --> 00:05:36,900
Thank you.

46
00:05:40,220 --> 00:05:41,220
Thank you very much.

47
00:05:41,540 --> 00:05:44,480
Daughter, I spoke very highly of you. As
you really were. That's splendid.

48
00:05:44,780 --> 00:05:47,560
Look, Thomas, do have a drink. Have a
drop of whiskey.

49
00:05:48,200 --> 00:05:49,200
There you are.

50
00:05:49,740 --> 00:05:51,580
As a matter of fact, she hasn't told us
much about you.

51
00:05:52,590 --> 00:05:54,070
There's a green fly in there. Beg your
pardon?

52
00:05:56,190 --> 00:05:57,530
He's happy. He's looking at him swimming
about.

53
00:06:00,310 --> 00:06:04,010
Well, now, I don't suppose my daughter
will be very long, Thomas, so you and I

54
00:06:04,010 --> 00:06:05,010
can get to know each other.

55
00:06:06,290 --> 00:06:07,450
Would you care for a sandwich?

56
00:06:10,070 --> 00:06:15,850
I mean, uh... Thomas, what are your
intentions?

57
00:06:16,490 --> 00:06:17,610
Well, I thought we'd go to the pictures.

58
00:06:18,490 --> 00:06:19,490
No, no.

59
00:06:19,510 --> 00:06:21,530
I think father means after that.

60
00:06:22,479 --> 00:06:24,740
Well, between you and me, I like to drag
her in a shop doorway.

61
00:06:28,500 --> 00:06:30,820
And with a bit of luck. Yes, quite,
quite.

62
00:06:31,400 --> 00:06:34,800
That's no concern of ours, of course, is
it? Here, have a cigar.

63
00:06:35,960 --> 00:06:37,940
There we are.

64
00:06:38,760 --> 00:06:39,760
That's it.

65
00:06:40,220 --> 00:06:41,220
That's the fellow.

66
00:06:46,000 --> 00:06:47,260
You're not eating your sandwiches.

67
00:07:26,480 --> 00:07:28,840
Besides, she caught some... I got
herself a nice young man.

68
00:07:30,020 --> 00:07:35,600
I, um... I trust you can support a
family.

69
00:07:36,020 --> 00:07:37,200
Well, how many of you are there?

70
00:07:38,400 --> 00:07:39,400
Oh!

71
00:07:40,140 --> 00:07:42,340
Very humorous, yes. Very funny.

72
00:07:43,480 --> 00:07:47,040
What exactly do you do for a living?

73
00:07:47,260 --> 00:07:48,260
I'm a magician.

74
00:07:49,680 --> 00:07:52,540
That wonderful trick of sawing a woman
in half.

75
00:08:16,430 --> 00:08:19,170
I've done this trick quite a few times.
As a matter of fact, I've got two half

76
00:08:19,170 --> 00:08:20,170
-sisters to prove it.

77
00:08:22,870 --> 00:08:25,810
And they're in Charing Cross Hospital,
in rooms 26 and 27.

78
00:08:28,990 --> 00:08:29,990
It's a wonderful trick, this.

79
00:08:30,190 --> 00:08:31,190
I like doing this.

80
00:08:31,210 --> 00:08:32,409
Right, can you up the chance, please?

81
00:08:33,610 --> 00:08:34,870
So in a moment in half...

82
00:08:55,660 --> 00:08:57,320
Good. Would you wiggle your feet?

83
00:09:07,340 --> 00:09:08,520
What am I carrying this about?

84
00:09:14,580 --> 00:09:15,980
You've got to wiggle your feet, you see.

85
00:09:16,340 --> 00:09:20,280
It takes a long time because a brain
takes a long time to get down to her

86
00:09:23,840 --> 00:09:25,000
All right, wiggle your feet.

87
00:09:25,260 --> 00:09:26,260
Now!

88
00:09:29,060 --> 00:09:30,840
Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle,
wiggle.

89
00:09:34,980 --> 00:09:38,140
I will now send Cigarock into furniture.

90
00:09:42,640 --> 00:09:44,820
One, two, three.

91
00:09:45,820 --> 00:09:46,820
Three, three, three.

92
00:10:07,820 --> 00:10:08,820
I lost my budgie.

93
00:10:13,620 --> 00:10:14,620
Albert.

94
00:10:16,320 --> 00:10:17,540
Albert, where are you, Albert?

95
00:10:20,320 --> 00:10:21,320
I love him.

96
00:10:23,120 --> 00:10:24,980
I was over there, a little case there.

97
00:10:30,580 --> 00:10:31,580
And I was gone.

98
00:10:33,600 --> 00:10:36,000
I bought him a little ladder, look. See
the little ladder?

99
00:10:36,420 --> 00:10:38,310
So he can run up. down there like that.

100
00:10:44,910 --> 00:10:48,410
And I bought little things on each side.
One was for water.

101
00:10:49,370 --> 00:10:50,530
I don't know what that was for.

102
00:10:52,290 --> 00:10:56,410
I know he's gone.

103
00:11:03,150 --> 00:11:04,290
I'll be all right. It's all right.

104
00:11:07,150 --> 00:11:09,390
I'll get over it. I'll get over it. I
shouldn't do this, really.

105
00:11:10,850 --> 00:11:15,350
I bought the ladder. Oh, I've said that.
I bought the... Then I bought those

106
00:11:15,350 --> 00:11:17,210
little bells for him. See the little
bells?

107
00:11:18,130 --> 00:11:19,730
He used to put his little head on them.

108
00:11:20,990 --> 00:11:21,990
And a little bell.

109
00:11:23,110 --> 00:11:24,590
And I'd hit it with a mallet.

110
00:11:27,330 --> 00:11:28,630
He used to love that, honestly.

111
00:11:30,590 --> 00:11:31,590
And now he's gone.

112
00:11:32,290 --> 00:11:37,420
And then I open the little doors like
that and he's like... Flutter away like

113
00:11:37,420 --> 00:11:38,420
that.

114
00:11:39,760 --> 00:11:40,840
Flutter, flutter, flutter.

115
00:11:44,860 --> 00:11:47,200
A little bit of fart, then you flutter
faster like that.

116
00:11:48,780 --> 00:11:50,400
He was fluttering all over the place.

117
00:11:50,640 --> 00:11:52,560
He was the biggest flutterer you've ever
seen in your life.

118
00:11:54,320 --> 00:11:55,320
And then he's gone.

119
00:12:20,270 --> 00:12:21,270
Think of it.

120
00:12:22,190 --> 00:12:23,370
Oh, there you are.

121
00:12:24,350 --> 00:12:25,350
Where are you speaking?

122
00:12:31,410 --> 00:12:33,370
And I'd like to do something dramatic
for you.

123
00:12:37,470 --> 00:12:38,850
I'd like to do a one -man theatre.

124
00:12:40,350 --> 00:12:44,050
There should have been a one -man or one
-woman theatre, but you never turned

125
00:12:44,050 --> 00:12:45,050
up.

126
00:12:45,770 --> 00:12:47,490
Because you didn't want to play the part
of the sailor.

127
00:12:50,350 --> 00:12:51,970
I shall do both parts.

128
00:12:54,210 --> 00:12:56,170
This side is Sally.

129
00:12:59,550 --> 00:13:02,850
The very shy, innocent young maiden.

130
00:13:03,870 --> 00:13:05,170
You've got to use your imagination.

131
00:13:08,670 --> 00:13:15,270
And the other side, a sailor. Tall,
virile, incredibly handsome.

132
00:13:18,920 --> 00:13:20,760
He doesn't re -use your imagination here
at all.

133
00:13:23,500 --> 00:13:24,900
Now, I want you to picture the scene.

134
00:13:25,820 --> 00:13:29,580
It's a tumble -down cottage in 1898.

135
00:13:30,160 --> 00:13:31,220
It's a very long street.

136
00:13:32,760 --> 00:13:38,400
And next door in 1897 lives

137
00:13:38,400 --> 00:13:43,440
this wicked squire who wants to pull
down Sally's cottage.

138
00:13:49,480 --> 00:13:51,720
To build a multi -storey cowshed.

139
00:13:54,720 --> 00:13:57,660
But help is at hand.

140
00:14:00,580 --> 00:14:01,580
Oh, Sally.

141
00:14:02,700 --> 00:14:03,700
Oh, Jack.

142
00:14:03,720 --> 00:14:06,520
You've come back after all these years
away at sea.

143
00:14:07,780 --> 00:14:09,060
I'm not there for a start, am I?

144
00:14:33,870 --> 00:14:34,950
he'll come back to me.

145
00:14:35,630 --> 00:14:36,950
Oh, Jack, Jack.

146
00:14:38,070 --> 00:14:39,470
Is it really you, Jack?

147
00:14:41,610 --> 00:14:42,950
No, my name's Fred.

148
00:14:49,870 --> 00:14:50,870
What?

149
00:14:52,670 --> 00:14:55,170
What doesn't matter as long as you come
back to me?

150
00:14:57,790 --> 00:14:59,130
As long as you come back to me.

151
00:15:00,590 --> 00:15:02,130
Sub, sub, sub, sub, sub.

152
00:15:14,050 --> 00:15:15,150
I'm holding you fast as I can.

153
00:15:18,130 --> 00:15:19,790
Now, what about this wicky squire?

154
00:15:21,030 --> 00:15:25,370
Well, he wanted to throw me out into the
snow with my two -year -old child.

155
00:15:26,830 --> 00:15:27,990
Well, don't you worry, Sally.

156
00:15:28,790 --> 00:15:32,590
After four years away, see, I've saved a
lot of money, and I shall...

157
00:15:32,590 --> 00:15:39,550
How

158
00:15:39,550 --> 00:15:40,550
old do you say?

159
00:15:58,459 --> 00:15:59,840
How did it happen?

160
00:16:02,180 --> 00:16:04,080
Well, you wrote very passionate letters.

161
00:16:09,660 --> 00:16:11,160
Yes, you're quite right. I did, didn't
I?

162
00:16:19,630 --> 00:16:20,630
He's the blame.

163
00:16:22,570 --> 00:16:28,150
With his curly black hair and his little
thin moustache and that hooked nose.

164
00:16:29,850 --> 00:16:31,090
Don't worry about the squad.

165
00:16:31,850 --> 00:16:33,150
Look at your little boy.

166
00:16:34,950 --> 00:16:37,510
You're quite right, Sally. Look at him
lying there.

167
00:16:38,330 --> 00:16:39,330
Beautiful in his cot.

168
00:16:40,230 --> 00:16:44,790
With his curly black hair and that
little thin moustache.

169
00:16:52,620 --> 00:16:53,620
Reminds me of somebody.

170
00:16:55,380 --> 00:16:56,380
My mother.

171
00:16:59,320 --> 00:17:00,320
My mother?

172
00:17:02,040 --> 00:17:04,160
Yes, your mother. And not only that, the
squire.

173
00:17:05,040 --> 00:17:06,339
Sally, I'm going to leave you, Sally.

174
00:17:06,940 --> 00:17:08,040
Oh, no, Fred, no.

175
00:17:08,359 --> 00:17:09,359
Yes, I must.

176
00:17:10,339 --> 00:17:12,780
Fred, can't we start all over again?

177
00:17:14,359 --> 00:17:15,560
Well, all right, if you must.

178
00:17:17,839 --> 00:17:19,020
We'll start all over again.

179
00:17:58,029 --> 00:18:00,270
Here we go, lovey. Here we got him.

180
00:18:01,110 --> 00:18:02,630
Here's a little trick I like showing
now.

181
00:18:02,850 --> 00:18:03,990
All right, eyes down, look in.

182
00:18:06,950 --> 00:18:07,950
Eyes of spines.

183
00:18:13,390 --> 00:18:14,410
Eyes of diamonds.

184
00:18:16,410 --> 00:18:17,570
And the ace of hearts.

185
00:18:19,170 --> 00:18:20,170
Wait a minute.

186
00:18:20,430 --> 00:18:22,110
Eyes of diamonds, ace of hearts.

187
00:18:22,670 --> 00:18:23,790
And the eyes are marked.

188
00:18:26,470 --> 00:18:27,490
And the eyes...

189
00:18:55,500 --> 00:18:57,400
Tommy and I give me odd numbers between
one and four.

190
00:19:01,480 --> 00:19:03,000
Any odd number between one and four?

191
00:19:03,840 --> 00:19:05,580
Three. Right, three it is.

192
00:19:05,800 --> 00:19:07,180
One, a two, a three.

193
00:19:08,140 --> 00:19:08,939
That's three.

194
00:19:08,940 --> 00:19:10,480
That's it. I'll put those three down
there.

195
00:19:35,950 --> 00:19:36,950
is gone.

196
00:20:18,890 --> 00:20:25,150
You turn the ice of clubs... This

197
00:20:25,150 --> 00:20:26,670
is a terrible class.

198
00:20:28,210 --> 00:20:29,630
Ice of clubs over like that.

199
00:20:30,330 --> 00:20:31,490
And you go...

200
00:21:09,040 --> 00:21:10,040
Disappear negative.

201
00:21:41,450 --> 00:21:42,730
And you're bringing the handkerchief
out.

202
00:21:51,210 --> 00:21:52,210
Thank you.

203
00:21:52,770 --> 00:21:53,770
What a lovely audience.

204
00:21:55,370 --> 00:21:56,930
Now, as you all know, this is a trick.

205
00:21:57,810 --> 00:21:58,810
It is a trick.

206
00:21:59,470 --> 00:22:03,750
Now, I'll let you show how it's done,
you see, but I must slow down, but I

207
00:22:03,750 --> 00:22:04,970
do that because I work very, very fast.

208
00:22:07,190 --> 00:22:08,390
I work very, very fast.

209
00:22:09,280 --> 00:22:11,100
As a matter of fact, I belong to the
Magic Circle.

210
00:22:12,000 --> 00:22:13,220
I belong to the Secret Six.

211
00:22:14,620 --> 00:22:16,380
It's so secret, I don't even know the
other part.

212
00:22:23,820 --> 00:22:29,560
What was I talking about? Oh, yes.

213
00:22:30,420 --> 00:22:32,940
I'd like to slow down for you, you see,
but I can't do it because I went very,

214
00:22:33,000 --> 00:22:33,579
very far.

215
00:22:33,580 --> 00:22:37,740
But I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll ask
the producer if he would just play it.

216
00:22:38,090 --> 00:22:41,110
in slow motion relay, like they do on a
football match.

217
00:22:42,770 --> 00:22:46,850
You know, so if you don't know how the
trick is done, at least you know how to

218
00:22:46,850 --> 00:22:47,850
score a goal.

219
00:22:49,010 --> 00:22:51,530
May I have slow motion relay, please?